Yes, for the next two or three months, those will soon be my possessions at-hand… two suitcases, maybe three. Oh, and my trusty white fedora. I find it interesting that in my writer’s biography I mention that, At the age of 26, I packed my hopes and dreams in a 55 L backpack. It was thrilling, liberating, I was free!
Now, the prospect of living out of suitcases is confining and downright inconvenient. We have a little more than one week in our Indian apartment before we close this door and walk through the next. Naturally I’m emotional and a little overwhelmed. That supposed euphoria of packing those suitcases and flying off to ‘freedom’ is inching closer, but the romance of it all still mostly eludes me. Today feels like a Monday Morning Email kind of morning, so writing becomes my solace.
If I were to write an MME to you, it would convey these thoughts…
Wednesday, April 18th, Bangalore, India,,
As I write on this Wednesday morning, song birds serenade, my potted palms colour and cheer as usual, yet boxes already inhabit my once-serene surroundings. Getting ready for the next chapter is a lengthy process, but then its upon you like a fast moving freight train. Transition started months ago when we learned that my husband’s posting would come to an end here. Even though we were part of this decision, we then started discussing, pondering and planning. But in previous moves, we had known where we would next be living.
This time around, I face the difficulty of packing without a destination firmly set, though it will be somewhere in Europe or Canada. And with this, I chuckle a little. For us that is nicely ‘narrowed down’ in this wide, wide world. Asia has been a meaningful experience, yet it’s time to be closer to home. And though I agree with this, I’ve still managed to have two very emotional days over the past few weeks. But even those are part of the process of detachment, acceptance and transition.
The first difficult day happened to be on Easter Sunday. Ironically, after having ‘kids’ living with us for almost a year, Bruce and I happened to be alone. Luke, Trixie and Matt were off backpacking in Sri Lanka and I’ll admit to enjoying some time on our own. I preface this by saying how much we’ve enjoyed this multi-generational living, this ‘suddenly my nest is no longer empty’ phase. I would not have changed it for the world.
It’s been wonderful having them here – days of working, conversing, dining and traveling together. Matt has been with us almost a year, Luke and Trixie since Christmas and I’m conscious that this particular phase will likely never be repeated – I will miss them tremendously on a day to day basis. And on that Easter Sunday, mostly I worried, I found myself frozen with trepidation, then finally I felt sadness as soon we’ll all go our own way; the reality of it all was suddenly breathtaking.
That leaves me and Bruce. After a holiday in Greece and the UK, we’ve decided to be in The Hague for a month or so – to a place that is home for us and also close to head office for Bruce. Things will transpire from there. In the meantime we’ve gone back and forth… where do we send our furniture?
“Forget the ‘ball and chain’ of the furniture,” Bruce consoled me that day. “It can stay in storage in Vancouver and we’ll see where and when we’ll need it. We’ll go home for the summer. We’ll write. We’ll kayak. We’ll see Andrew and Ayla, family and friends. Look at it as an opportunity, not a fear. And Ter,” he said with a comforting hug,” everyone will be fine. The kids have their own journey to figure out.” And he’s right. Matt is heading back to university, Luke and Trixie are working virtually. They’ll do a little more travelling, then settle in Europe. They are certainly living their dream and history repeats itself – they’re doing what we did at the same age
So I got on with my ‘lasts’ and my farewells. In Marilyn Gardner’s poignant book, World’s Apart, she mentions that rarely do people ask, ‘What have you left behind… those things that we lose when we transition.’ So true and indeed we must say our farewells, both internally and verbally, conscious of what we’re parting with. The places and people we often won’t see again – ever –and it’s difficult.
A week ago brought me to the next overwhelming day. There I stood in my bedroom, surrounded by clothes, shoes, bags, jewellery and scarves… so many darned scarves. Do I unconsciously collect them? There are a few from Azerbaijan, from Italy, Malaysia, even Kazakhstan. And don’t ask me how many from India! Indeed, how to choose which ones travel with me and which ones circumnavigate the world in a sea container. In reality, the scarves are really a metaphor for it all; for a household that gets picked up and shunted along.
I became even more emotional not knowing where I’ll have the opportunity to reunite with my personal things. Will it be a place I get to ‘dress up’ like I do in India for luncheons and events? It’s far different than what I would wear on a daily basis in our home base in Kimberley, or maybe cycling in The Netherlands. It feels like I’m packing away part of my identity.
On that particular day, my chivalrous soulmate again comes to my rescue. “Honey, I understand, I’ll carry an extra bag for you so you’ll have what you need. I’m sorry this is difficult for you.” But there’s some light-heartedness that also resonates. “You know my things barely fill one suitcase, more space for you!”
Yes he’s the sensible one, the minimalist when it comes to clothes. And to be honest just the acknowledgement that this was difficult for me, gave me strength. I began sorting and setting aside things to give away – to Priya, to the security guards, to the school we support. Finally packing could begin.
Now a week later the suitcases with carefully chosen clothes and accessories, begin to fill – an intro to minimalism has been good for me. Going forward, I’m determined to be more mindful. And yes, I’m well aware these supposed hardships and challenges pale into comparison to what many face. It’s never far from my thoughts.
As I was about to finish this Wednesday morning musing, my doorbell rang. I opened my door to Raj, my vegetable wallah.
“Madam, good day,” he said with his gentle, but exuberant manner that I have come to adore. “Lettuce for you,” Raj offered delightedly, handing me a tiny bunch of red lettuce. It is not something he normally stocks in his heaped cart of vegetables and he’s pleased to present it to me. It’s a bit of a luxury – indeed it felt like a gift.
“Thank you Raj, so, so nice. Yes thank you,” I accepted gratefully.
“Madam, my brother’s marriage is soon in Mysore. Family come?” Reluctantly I shared with Raj that we’ll be leaving soon. He’s taken aback and I found myself apologising.
“Yes Raj, I’m sorry too. I will miss India very much.”
Even those moments help with parting from a neighbourhood that has embraced us whole-heartedly. But it’s been like that this past week – gifts from the local pub that we love going to, heartfelt goodbyes at the ladies groups I’m involved with, and farewell drinks with our landlord and his family. “You must come back for the wedding in August,” they implored many times throughout the evening.
And yesterday, a handcrafted gift from the school we support was presented to me with a sincere note of thanks. Jagruthi enables disenfranchised children the chance of education and security, and is a poignant reminder of the severe hardships many in India face. I will write more, but our involvement has shown me humility and gratitude – for my loving family, the experience of another country, the calling-card of my new book and my speaking and workshop endeavours.
As I wrote a number of years ago in A Fine Set of Luggage when we live a global life, there is much more in those suitcases then meets the eye, thankfully it’s never been more true then now.
So when those two, maybe three suitcases are waiting and we lock the door for the last time, we’ll do what we’ve done in other countries. We’ll say farewell to the country and people who have hosted us so graciously. I know it will be with tears, and I know I can’t imagine not having lived in my beloved India.
For now, I continue the packing… I’ve narrowed the scarves down to a mere twenty!
Until next time, dear reader…
Luke and Trixie blog their adventures at howlblog.ca
Lovely words Terry anne! So looking forward to our weekend with you n Bruce!xx
Thanks so much, looking forward to it too! xx
Your words are touching, Terry Anne. I can so understand the difficulty of leaving India even though I have only visited, and not lived, there. Mother India with her generous heart easily wraps around our own hearts. You will always have a piece in yours.
And I look forward to seeing you in The Hague. Maggie x
Thanks Maggie, you can understand well how India claims a piece of us as I know it has with you as well. I love your ‘generous heart wrapping’, I have surely felt that. Alas, we must move on and I’m also ready for the next chapter. Look forward to seeing you soon!
Gosh Terry l feel as if it’s me who is moving, yor writing really brings everything to life x
Didn’t mean to put you through stress as well, hah! As much work as it is, it will all get done and I think I’ve had the worst of the emotional distress. Onwards now, see you soon!
Can’t wait to see the movie! And you as well…safe travels T!
Until then my dear! xx
Great writing Terry….,I can feel the emotions…..so easy to attach yourself to people, places, etc …and then having to detach yourself…..something like Velcro…..the ripping away….oh I feel the pain …sense of loss….emptiness…..but joy as the next DOOR opens awaiting your arrival….only to step in and welcome those waiting for you to meet …..and new places to experience to share with us readers….eager to visualize the next open DOOR!….we’ll done scarf sister!! Xx
Thanks Carol, you summarised it so nicely and a good reminder about that open door. I am now excited about it and ready to embrace what lies on the other side… ewer scarves let’s hope! xx
Thinkig of you and Bruce . Wherever you hang your white fedora will also be exilerating as you always see the beauty in everything. I have enjoyed your writing about your colourful India. Thank you.
Dear Donna Lee, I am so pleased you’ll still be reading when my white fedora is hanging elsewhere. It’s seen many wonderful places in India that’s for sure, I think it has some life for a few more adventures! xx
Our thoughts are with you and Bruce. It would be great to catch up with you in The Hague before we leave in the summer if you have a chance. People look at me surprised when I say we are moving to London with a note of mild resignation. London will be an adventure but I don’t feel ready yet for our global wanderings to end. It is always so bitter sweet. After 5 years in The Hague we feel very settled. It is going to be tough. Good luck! x
Yes let’s do that, please ‘pester’ me once you see I’m there. Always so bitter sweet on many levels as it’s just nice to be settled but the pull of wandering is always with us. So going to London, one never knows, we may end up there Rachel. Lots to talk about, look forward to seeing you! x
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